I am in search of sentences. Have been for days, weeks actually. I gather words but they are more a jumble than not.
As witless as my words are, my hands and arms feel as if they belong to someone else. I’m in another major flare-up, a conflation of autoimmune and spinal cord disease.
With all the “parts” that now make up me–fused cervical vertebrae and two metal hips–I am a bit of a puppet. Having incorrect arms and hands doesn’t feel a foreign thought.
I suppose I’m searching for body parts as well as words.
My arms feel covered in armor, complete with demi-gauntlets and gloves on my hands.
I am hardly the knight or fight type, although I often use battle imagery in describing chronic illness.
Not too long ago, there was a post comment asking me if I thought illness was a battle.
I don’t but did is the short answer. It made me realize how frequently I use the battle metaphor.
I don’t fight chronic illness but I don’t give into it, either. I meet its energy every day and aim for even. Why “wind myself up” and exhaust the most powerful resource I have, being present.
For me, to fight is to leave the present in search of what is not mine–reasonably good health. Mostly, I don’t think of my health as one label or another, which is not to say it doesn’t dominate some days.
In some way in every post, I write about the power of the present. No matter the state of my being, I am in awe of the present. It reveals the world to me and all that I have. It’s so much.
The power of the present keeps me from the thought of tomorrow. That day is never a guarantee.
So often, I think of Blake’s “To see the world in a grain of sand” –and I do. That is the power of the present.
What I have discovered is that the present expands proportionately. When I am ill, I am at my most powerful for the present is concentrated within a smaller frame.
I have found my way through moments I once believed a total eclipse, perpetual darkness. It is in these moments that I find the sliver of light. An eclipse maybe total but it is not forever.
When I am immersed in the power of the present, I face the unknown. Often, I’m gob smacked; even the minutia is eye-opening. Always, it’s a revelation. I have no words.
Be serene in the oneness of things and
erroneous views will
disappear by themselves.
(Seng-Ts’an)
(Note: This picture of the August 21, 2017 eclipse was taken by my father, Len Huber, in Washington state.)
Aim for Even posts offer equanimity a dose at a time. No day or dose is ever the same, even if the aim is. You may read about the origins of Aim for Even here or on this site’s About page.
Your words never fail to bring me to the present, no matter how far I may have strayed. Thank you. I’ve been away from my routine for a while so haven’t kept up. Now I can return to my daily doses. Or whatever rhythm your posts take.
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Looking for that “sliver of light”………..that is such a poignant image!
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