Equanimity Currently Unavailable

These days, I feel more outside my body than not.  It is as if my equilibrium is closed for repairs, equanimity currently unavailable. My physical imbalance requires the same kind of attentiveness as my Zen practice.

But unlike Zen, my physical imbalance is not a solo effort. And that means the medical profession and tests.

Today, a CT scan for my brain to make sure I am not quite as witless as I feel. Also, the scan will take a look at the fusion hardware in my neck. It may have slipped a bit. Or not. Thursday is my regular six-month check up with my neurologist. Perhaps, all can be labeled this week.

Probably not. My symptoms did not appear in one week but over the course of two months, maybe a bit longer. Always, I am “encouraged” not to wait so long, and I don’t think I do but my sense of time seems outside everyone else’s.

I don’t mind that, not at all.

My current feeling of being outside myself is like the giddiness of a Ferris wheel ride but not quite as pleasant, because the ride does not seem to stop–completely.

In a single swirl, the world spins and whirls–such a blur–only to all but settle. Yet, no one ride lasts forever. At some point, it has to be feet on the ground.

Still, it’s rather freeing, the ever-present song of tinnitus. I’m not sure I’ve ever given it proper respect but I do now. The time feels right.


What comes, will go.

What is found, will be lost again.

But what you are is beyond coming and

going and beyond description.

You are It. 


Aim for Even posts offer equanimity a dose at a time. No day or dose is ever the same, even if the aim is. You may read about the origins of Aim for Even here or on this site’s About page.


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