Tag Archives: awareness

Yours For the Taking

This morning, I walked away from my walker without realizing it. I did not return to it immediately. It was a bit of freedom. Why not take it?

Mine is a two-room apartment so this was not a walk for distance or duration but it was a walk with an actual gait. I focused on each step, sensing a rhythm.

Is that what a blur on an x-ray might bring? Rhythm? Is that what “teeny” fusing of donor bone with my vertebrae feels like? I’ve been here before, too aware that such a blur may be in the eye of the beholder.

A year and a half ago it seemed my neck was healing after C2-C4 fusion surgery, only to be later told later no healing was taking place. The neck is the “piece of real estate” that controls my limbs; daily, basic yoga helps me work with the signals they send me.

In all ways, this feels a matter of nerve. Do I have what it takes to believe again? Is that what hope is?  I don’t think any one thing–like an x-ray–can give me hope any more than one person can take it from me.

It is mine to give or not to take. Hope is always available. In every moment, I’m given yet another perspective on the obstacle that is my path. In this moment, it is a blur on an x-ray.

It is not a matter of “getting my life back” for this is my life, this moment right here. I don’t want to miss a moment of it. So, in the early light of this morning, I walked.

As Emily Dickinson wrote, “if your nerve deny you— go above your nerve.” It is yours for the taking.

Aim for Even posts offer equanimity a dose at a time. No day or dose is ever the same, even if the aim is. You may read about the origins of Aim for Even here or on this site’s About page.

Trying to Be a Woman with No Future

Yesterday, I saw a Byron Katie meme that said, “I am a woman with no future.” There was a time I knew myself as such but of late, I am caught up in the way of the world rather than the way I work.

I know they are not mutually exclusive but I have lost sight of myself, looking only to the future. My body is taut, my perspective narrow. Two writing submission deadlines loom, and neither essay is coming together.

I am focused on the deadline rather than the content, looking to the end stage rather than the words it takes to get there. I need to be a woman unaware of her future.

It means bringing the meditative state into my day. For me, writing does that but the world does not stop because I write. Even without deadlines, writing occupies most of my day. Words are always forming phrases.

I pass over one thought for another and then maybe go back to the original. Regardless, I find out what I’m thinking. I have great respect for mind and all that it produces, which is a lot.

I’m not sure that I ever allow my body enough respect, especially when I am writing. It, too, requires movement but unlike moving words around on stationary screens, the body in motion takes me away from screens. Words float, sometimes out of mind.

If I sit just a little longer I tell myself. I’ll set a timer but I sit too long or maybe, not long enough. Without an evenness of mind and body, my entire being stiffens.

Mind often dominates but at its own expense for if the body is ignored in terms of exercise and nutrition, the mind muddles. In frustration, its only focus is deadlines.

It is time for a cup of tea, and a bit of a stretch. I will find more words. There are so many–more than enough–but I have only this one moment.

Aim for Even posts offer equanimity a dose at a time. No day or dose is ever the same, even if the aim is. You may read about the origins of Aim for Even here or on this site’s About page.

The Essence of Mirage

If equanimity opens me to the colors of the day, mindfulness provides the canvas. These are my daily tools, and I keep them close. If I do not, ego will send me in search of something so promising that to escape the day seems my only choice.

As well, I am provided 1001 reasons why inattentiveness to the day and its requirements is my best course. Sometimes this is true but mostly, it is a mirage.

Ego is formidable and endless but acknowledging–not avoiding or attaching–to such strong desire is the pause I need. I go to a poem, albeit one of a Victorian girl new to dreams. No matter; its essence provides what I need.

Mirage

The hope I dreamed of was a dream,

Was but a dream; and now I wake

Exceeding comfortless, and worn, and old,

For a dream’s sake.

I hang my harp upon a tree,

A weeping willow in a lake;

I hang my silenced harp there, wrung and snapt

For a dream’s sake.

Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart;

My silent heart, lie still and break:

Life, and the world, and mine own self, are changed

For a dream’s sake.

Christina Rossetti (c. 1842)

The line that lingers is “life, and the world, and mine own self, are changed.” It is what I need for this day, the day I have, and I am attentive to its canvas.

Aim for Even posts offer equanimity a dose at a time. No day or dose is ever the same, even if the aim is. You may read about the origins of Aim for Even here or on this site’s About page.

The Ever Elusive Perspective

In meditation, Pema Chödrön advises that I look around–find out what is happening–so, I do. My mind evens out.

A breeze of equanimity continues to clear my brain fog; when necessary, it takes a broom to the cobwebs.

This airing out of thought allows me to be in the moment, my only real frame of experience.

At best, my life is a single stitch in a never-ending tapestry, a speck of dust within the multi-verse. It is a perspective that eludes more often than not

But Chödrön gently reminds me that sometimes I have perspective and other times, I don’t. If I am not fearless, then I’m not fearless. What I am is afraid. I need to look deeper into the experience the moment is offering me.

And, I need to be down with it. I need to let my emotions swirl–hopelessness, frustration, even despair–each moment I experience is the “perfect teacher.” It is my traveling professor and knows what ails me. I will discover what I need if I just stay in the moment. It’s up to me.

Should I take the day and turn it upside down looking for what I will not find? Why not take a closer look at the experience that is presenting itself–explore it, just a bit.

I, along with everything and everyone else in this physical dimension, am here to experience being alive. There is no need to dissociate or to escape from any moment. It is all an experience and no one event or situation stays the same.

Awareness is found in our pleasure and our pain,

our confusion and our wisdom, available in each

moment of our weird, unfathomable,

ordinary everyday lives.

(Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart)

Ever, there is the breeze of equanimity to clear the fog, to catch the cobwebs.

Aim for Even posts offer equanimity a dose at a time. No day or dose is ever the same, even if the aim is. You may read about the origins of Aim for Even here or on this site’s About page.

Escape: a Hefty Boomerang

When in the slough of despond, I know a miracle is possible any moment. I am not ascribing “divine agency” to miracle but rather the act of being completely present. For me, it is the only way through dark moments.

Miracle is not a warm, fuzzy moment and voila! All is right with the world. That is escape, and a hefty boomerang it is, ever returning me to the place I am. Every. Single. Time.

Gabrielle Bernstein says just acknowledging a “gentler, more peaceful way” is “the moment we welcome a miracle.” We find the universal in the specific, such as a sea oat bending to the breeze, every breeze.

Does the sea oat ever hesitate, consider not bending?

Openness is like the wind.

If you open your doors and windows,

it is bound to come in.

(Chogyam Trunpa)

It is true the air in my life has grown stale, and like the sea oat, I must nod to a new wind. It is in all’s best interest. This, the sea oat never questions.

Like water flowing through rock, patience must be my practice if I am to experience the miracle.

Water gives life to the 10,000 things and does not strive…

(Tao Te Ching, Verse Eight)

Aim for Even posts offer equanimity a dose at a time. No day or dose is ever the same, even if the aim is. You may read about the origins of Aim for Even here or on this site’s About page.

Scrolling Screens By Night

Today’s #LongView post, Always a Nasty Woman, is a bit about citizenship–what it means to live in a republic. It’s a lifetime responsibility. The Nasty Women Project brought out the activist in me.  Too long had I been complacent.

Aim for Even posts offer equanimity a dose at a time. No day or dose is ever the same, even if the aim is. You may read about the origins of Aim for Even here or on this site’s About page.

 

Terra Firma First

Today’s #LongView post explores life in the weeds. How else to appreciate the sky above? Click the link below to read more.

“Staying within the frame of my day—each moment its own scene–keeps me from being daunted by the obstacle that is that day’s path. Mine is not to ignore but to immerse myself in the experience.

It is the small stuff that enlarges my awareness.”


Aim for Even posts offer equanimity a dose at a time. No day or dose is ever the same, even if the aim is. You may read about the origins of Aim for Even here or on this site’s About page.